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<title>A million needle stars (let's pick out which one is yours) by Hopeful_Foolx</title>
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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/25019398">A million needle stars (let's pick out which one is yours)</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Hopeful_Foolx/pseuds/Hopeful_Foolx'>Hopeful_Foolx</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>OTP absolute cinnamon rolls [6]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Star Trek: Picard</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Canonical Character Death, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Grieving, Hugs, Hurt/Comfort, It will follow the show so, Major Character death is for Picard, This Is Sad, i don't know guys, sadfic</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-07-01</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-07-01</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-04 06:48:43</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>1,735</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/25019398</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Hopeful_Foolx/pseuds/Hopeful_Foolx</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>After everything is over, Elnor needs a moment</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Elnor &amp; Hugh | Third of Five, Elnor/Hugh | Third of Five</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>OTP absolute cinnamon rolls [6]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/1667231</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>2</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>8</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>A million needle stars (let's pick out which one is yours)</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>I know that my last fic in this series isn't finished yet. And I know that it's likely that nobody will read this either, because it's sad. Take this warning, it's sad. I'm rolling with the course of the show, which means that we all know what will happen and I am going to write that scene we were robbed of in the show eventually. See end for explanation.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>Losing Picard should have been made easier by the fact that he knew it was going to happen, Elnor thinks. They all knew of his condition. And yes, they found out too late, he told them about it too late. But also, he expected him to die. It’s brutally unfair how it makes no difference now. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He’s walked away from everyone else, sat down on some roof, high enough to be out of reach, escape everything and everyone. The unfamiliar stars are still above him, it’s too early for any daylight, but he couldn’t sleep. His arm hurts and he ignores it, he still aches all over and wants to sleep, for days, ages. Just that he knows he can’t, and he is not sure he wants to. He thinks about staying awake for hours and days, just sitting here. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>It’s not like he didn’t expect it - it is that he didn’t expect it to happen so soon. And like this. One moment they were fighting, busy with everything else, worried about a fleet and the synths - and then all of it was over. It’s been almost a day and Elnor still doesn’t feel like he processed it. If it all happened to a stranger, it would feel the same as it does now. Even Picard is far away - again. It doesn’t feel like he died, it feels like he left again. It’s the same pain, just that this time, he won’t return. The pain won’t fade, it won’t be exchanged for hope. Not this time, because this time, Picard won’t return. There is nothing to hope for. And still, part of his brain can’t catch up yet, can’t agree with him what happened. He hasn’t even cried yet. All Picard ever did was leaving, he left him, over and over and now he left all of them, forever, this is how it feels. It feels like the million questions he wanted to ask are spilling over, he wants to shout them now that he won’t get an answer, and more, the stories he wanted to tell himself, they are all locked in now. He can’t be at peace with himself when he thinks like this, it’s wrong because why? Why is he angry? And what right does he have? He wants to grieve, since everyone is grieving. They are all grieving, all in different ways. Seven is, too. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>It brings up a question again - who is he? What right does he have? Raffi served with Picard, and he and Seven share an experience he can’t even imagine. How long had it been since Elnor himself saw Picard? Why did he never reach out himself? A rational part of his mind tells him that he couldn’t have, but rationality is not his friend. At least not right now. Elnor is dangling in the middle, everyone always seems to know everything about what is happening, just nobody tells him. The only people who are honest with him are Seven and Hugh. Seven doesn’t hide her being annoyed, and Hugh just simply isn’t. They are comfortably honest. He saw the eyerolls of everyone else and pretends he didn’t since they tried to hide it. Who is he? And why is he here? He is grieving Picard, though feels like he never really knew the man. He is grieving a loss he already grieved before, and is it grieving, really? It makes no sense, he wants the no-sense to stop, the dissonance throws him out of concept. Even more since he wants to be sad. He wants to cry, because that would mean actual feeling, he is so numb now and it scares him. Feelings are good, and now they are behind a wall. What will happen when they break through? He doesn’t know, he just wants to have them now, feel it now. He doesn’t want it all to be so far away. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He didn’t say goodbye. Picard did, in a way, but Elnor wishes he could. His body had been taken away, and he won’t ask to see him again. What were their last words to each other before that? He can’t even remember. Why can’t he remember? Why did he waste time - did he? The sun comes up, the fine bright shimmer on the horizon turning upwards.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He hears the soft steps on the floor of stone but doesn’t turn around. It can only be Hugh, even if it’s early. They don’t share a room here, he isn’t sure why. He went over to his room some time in the middle of the night but thought him asleep, now he isn’t sure anymore. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“So here you are” The steps stop and Elnor turns his head to the side. He asks himself how Hugh climbed up here, but it’s not important. For a moment, he is not sure if he likes him being here, even if he seeked him out before.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“This is…” Hugh comes closer but keeps some distance from where Elnor’s legs dangle over the edge, “not the last place I would have looked for you”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I wanted to be alone” Past tense. With Hugh here, he isn’t so sure if he still wants to be alone with his thoughts anymore.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I can leave if you want to, I just needed to check if you are…” he stops, sighs, Elnor knows what he wants to ask and that they both know that there is no way to do so, “as okay as the circumstances allow it. I thought it might hit you harder than anyone else” It’s phrased nicely, not okay, not alright, but as averagely good as possible.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Why would it?” Hugh seems genuinely surprised by the question and sits down next to him, further away from the edge and with his knees tucked close. Elnor can’t miss how he eyes the edge of the rooftop sceptically</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I don’t think anyone was closer to him than you” That does surprise him. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Was I?” he finally moves a little away from the edge and comes to sit beside Hugh, “Was I really? I’ve been asking myself the same question, was I really close?” Hugh raises his eyebrows. He doesn’t smile. The shadows are back under his eyes, they both haven’t slept and for a moment, Elnor thinks about their room on La Sirena, about hiding in it and ignoring the world outside. They both slept in there, and they both could even now. La Sirena is far away, however, and they are in this strange city and not in space. And not on Vashti. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I think so” Elnor rests his chin on his hands and stares at the horizon. Hugh thinks so? “And even if not… It doesn’t matter. Closeness is up for interpretation. You still have the right to be sad, even if you don’t know how close you were. The grief is all yours, and so you choose what to do with it” Does he? He wants to cry, to grieve, it just doesn’t work - what part of it is choosing?</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Then why can’t I be sad? I want to cry but I can’t. It feels like he just left again, I can’t wrap my head about how he is supposed to be… gone now!” He tries to form the words around what he means, but it’s hard. He wants to shout and cry and whisper at the same time. He can’t put it into real sentences, all is jumbled and he tries but fails. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Everyone grieves differently. And… You need some time to process. It’s not unusual” No, that’s the point - he isn’t grieving. It’s not grief he feels, that is not what is eating him up.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I just… I feel like he left me on Vashti again. But this isn’t Vashti, and every single time he left, it hurt. And then it stopped and I… I just waited, dreaming about what I could tell him next time, and what we would do, he used to bring me gifts and I always thought about it… that way. And now…” He pauses because he talks to fast, forgets to breathe in between and gasps, “Now he is not going to come back, not ever again. And not because he chose to, or because someone kept him, no, because he died” he feels a hand on his arm but doesn’t turn his gaze away from the horizon, “He won’t ever come back, and I can’t set out to look for him because wherever I would look, how far I’d go, he is never going to be there. I always wanted to go and find him, I always looked for him and then he came back, and then he… He died. My purpose was to keep him alive and to bring hope to his cause, and I didn’t do that. He died from something I could not protect him from” </span>
</p><p>
  <span><br/>
</span>
  <span>“I can repeat myself, if you’d like. You protected him against who wanted him dead, you had no choice in what killed him. He knew, and he went just like he lived, exactly as he wanted and only following his own rules” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I am going to miss him. I already do” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Me too. You are not alone in this” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“It didn’t hurt like this before, I…” he stops there. It did hurt like this before, when he was a child. The pain is a memory and it’s hitting spots he forgot were so sensitive, “I…” he starts again, and then one time more and it doesn’t work. He’s put it into words and now the words are gone, he has none left, neither truth nor anything. It’s just hollow and fragile, he is just that. If he moves, he will break, he will shatter into a million pieces if he is touched now and break apart into fragments. Is this it? Is this grieving now? This feeling like is going to turn into dust and be blown away because he doesn’t want the heaviness in his chest? </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He doesn’t shatter when he feels Hugh’s hand again, and he risks it in leaning into it, finally looking away from the horizon. White spots cloud his vision from staring into it’s light for so long. It makes his eyes water, and like the magic is broken now, he feels himself tremble. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He always wants to be the one who catches them, just today, he is caught. </span>
</p><p><br/>
<br/>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>There was a loss in my family this weekend and what Elnor feels here is... pretty much how I feel right now. I'm coping with writing. I don't say this so anyone feels obligated to read or say something, no. I say this, because who Picard was to Elnor, in some way, my Grandfather was to me. It's a long story why and why not they are similar. Just that... this time, I wrote this for him and because I am going to miss him, even if there was a lot of distance between us.</p></blockquote></div></div>
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